 | All of us parents have felt it. We have a particularly exhausting morning with the kids- diaper change marathons, cereal poured into our coffee, our hair pulled for the 100th time- and we post to our social media community that it's been a rough morning. "Is 8am too early for wine? And how can I mix it with coffee? My kids are driving me *@^#"ing bonkers." |
With a predictability that rivals my 2 year old's penchant for bursting in on me in the bathroom, you will most assuredly receive this commonly wielded dictum on your post:
"Soak it up while you can! The years go by so fast!"
Ugh. Super. Not only is this gig rough this morning, but I'm supposed to be soaking this Chaos Fest up. And on top of that, I'm all of a sudden picturing my 2 year old off at college and me alone in the bathroom staring at the closed door ugly-crying, and now I'm not just grumpy and guilted, I'm grumpy, guilted, and weepy.
Unfortunately, this well-meaning cliche comes with some seriously unwelcome baggage.
Unfortunately, this well-meaning cliche comes with some seriously unwelcome baggage.
Can you hear it? Chugging around the bend? It's the Soak It Up train, arriving at the station. It's a long one, folks, as it has about 20 cars of anxiety freight to unpack when it stops. And another 20 cars of guilt. That's a lot of cargo that I can't handle at the moment, because I've got a diaper bag with a rotten banana inside and a 2 year old brushing his teeth with my face cream that need my attention more.
Where does this anxiety and guilt come from? Is it new? Modern? Post-modern? Nah, I think it's been around awhile. Abba wrote about it pretty effing profoundly in "Slipping Through My Fingers":
Where does this anxiety and guilt come from? Is it new? Modern? Post-modern? Nah, I think it's been around awhile. Abba wrote about it pretty effing profoundly in "Slipping Through My Fingers":
Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when she's gone, there's that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can't deny
Oh man, good luck getting through that song EVER without crying your eyes out.
But in this era of parenting, we have SO MUCH INFORMATION. Too much, in my opinion, and I love information. What's toxic and what's not, what's good for the environment and what's not, what current parenting trend is right and what's not...and we still have the day in and day out responsibilities of keeping this baby alive and loved (while maintaining an Instagram level of perfection at life). It's the hardest work out there. So when a parent reaches out for a little commiseration when they are struggling, one of the worst things we can do is challenge them to appreciate it more. They are FEELING IT, they are feeling the WORK of it, and sometimes, they need support and a shoulder.
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when she's gone, there's that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can't deny
Oh man, good luck getting through that song EVER without crying your eyes out.
But in this era of parenting, we have SO MUCH INFORMATION. Too much, in my opinion, and I love information. What's toxic and what's not, what's good for the environment and what's not, what current parenting trend is right and what's not...and we still have the day in and day out responsibilities of keeping this baby alive and loved (while maintaining an Instagram level of perfection at life). It's the hardest work out there. So when a parent reaches out for a little commiseration when they are struggling, one of the worst things we can do is challenge them to appreciate it more. They are FEELING IT, they are feeling the WORK of it, and sometimes, they need support and a shoulder.
So here's the deal. EVERYONE uses that phrase at one time or another, so no one needs to feel bad for using it. It's a knee jerk response of the well-intentioned, it comes from a good place, yada yada. But, parents, grandparents, friends...we can do better. So let's try. I'm going to put a list of better ways to respond to a parent that's tired and struggling at the end of the post. First, though, I'd like to talk to my fellow exhausted parents.
I'm going to let you in on an ENORMOUS secret. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SOAK UP EVERY SECOND IN ORDER TO SAVOR THEIR CHILDHOOD. Repeat it to yourself again. Say it out loud. Write it on your effing bathroom mirror. Why is it so important to remember? Because it's my firm belief that we'll enjoy our present more if we can finally boot this "soaking it up" anxiety out the window.
Do you know what the definition of "savor" is? "To taste and enjoy completely". Taste. TASTE. Not gobble, gorge, or hook up a continuous intravenous food bag. Savoring, by definition, implies a momentary experience of joy.
Do you know what the definition of "savor" is? "To taste and enjoy completely". Taste. TASTE. Not gobble, gorge, or hook up a continuous intravenous food bag. Savoring, by definition, implies a momentary experience of joy.
Me, taking a moment to savor little Wolfe.
There are plenty of moments. You will savor enough. If you aren't good at it, plan to practice it a bit, but seriously, don't sweat it too much. Take a deep breath, find a few moments a day that you "stop time" for a bit, get close, breathe in their scent, whisper your love to them, and move along. There is plenty of time to savor, even when it feels like it's flying by.
On That Note
Sometimes you have to go dark to find a bit of light. I am here to tell you something that sucks, but finally realizing it will allow you to send the Soak It Up train on it's merry way.
It is impossible to soak up enough time to not feel pain when they grow up.
Sometimes you have to go dark to find a bit of light. I am here to tell you something that sucks, but finally realizing it will allow you to send the Soak It Up train on it's merry way.
It is impossible to soak up enough time to not feel pain when they grow up.
There is no magic number of soaking it up hours that will make you look back and not feel like it all happened too quickly or that you somehow could have been present more. The sooner we come to terms with the idea that there is no protecting ourselves from the beautiful pain that is watching our children soar ahead without us, the sooner we arrive at a healthier mental space to participate in the here and now.
Also...Don't Steal My Potentially Awesome Future
This one is really important to me. When you get down to it, worrying about not savoring our time with our kids comes from placing an extremely high value on the early years and a sad, depreciating value on our lives when they are grown and gone. Eventually, I will look back and be so envious of this time!! Nothing will ever be this good! We must absorb it NOW! Sound familiar? Yeah, my brain yells it at me, too.
This one is really important to me. When you get down to it, worrying about not savoring our time with our kids comes from placing an extremely high value on the early years and a sad, depreciating value on our lives when they are grown and gone. Eventually, I will look back and be so envious of this time!! Nothing will ever be this good! We must absorb it NOW! Sound familiar? Yeah, my brain yells it at me, too.
This stressful self talk is so damaging to our visualization of our future. For a few years, when I would worry about whether or not I was immersing myself enough into their childhood, I would find myself picturing the future: me, children gone, miserable and filled with pain and regret. I was never picturing a healthy version of myself, pursuing my ambitions, checking in with my grown kids, taking time to discover this new phase of life with Caleb, and exploring new interests.
I'm definitely going to be at more concerts with Caleb.
Next time you feel the urge to feel sad about missing your children in the future, try to visualize a healthy and exciting future for yourself instead. There will be times of grief, of course, but there is no reason not to start shaping your perspective on your years with your grown children in a positive way (I, for one, am meeting my boys for brunch and a movie as many times as they'll allow me).
Grieve, but Skip the Agony Train
While you have moments of grief as your children outgrow stages, be wary of hopping on the Agony Train. Recognize patterns of thought that spiral and make you feel sad about the fleeting nature of the moment...and choose not to entertain those thoughts. Step away from them, remind yourself to have a quick "savor moment", and move on to other things (like cleaning said rotten banana out of the diaper bag or dominating your next project at work).
If you are already riding the Agony Train and finding it hard to hop off, I have a fail safe option for you. Gratitude. "Now wait...this sounds like you're about to say I should suck it up and soak it all in again, just like everyone else. You tricked me!" Don't worry, that's not what I'm saying. I've got your back.
Gratitude doesn't mean I am savoring my life all of the time. However, when I find myself off balance, dipping so far into anguish that I'm having trouble pulling out of my anxious tailspin, it's time to re-calibrate my perspective on my privilege.
Anytime I get too melancholy about life changing or time moving forward, I remind myself how lucky I am to have these beautiful children. How fortunate I am that they are healthy enough to have time move forward. That my children are as safe as I can make them, with reasonable access to education, healthcare, and a future. There are centuries and centuries of humans who have raised families without those luxuries. I am so unbelievably fortunate to live now, to have a family at all, and to raise them the way that I want to raise them. Whether I'm doing it exactly right or remembering to treasure enough of it is a luxury. I know quite a few parents who have children facing serious health problems, or have lost children, who would give anything only to worry about the passage of time. So before I castigate myself too harshly for not doing "my job" well enough, I have to remember that some of what I worry about is my luxury, not my job. Make sense?
This does not mean you have to always feel grateful. Remember, I think it's incredibly important to find balance between feelings of overwhelm and feelings of contentment. But gratitude has a place in our lives to shake off unhealthy associations between agony and everyday life and to healthfully remind us that we almost always have something to be thankful for.
While you have moments of grief as your children outgrow stages, be wary of hopping on the Agony Train. Recognize patterns of thought that spiral and make you feel sad about the fleeting nature of the moment...and choose not to entertain those thoughts. Step away from them, remind yourself to have a quick "savor moment", and move on to other things (like cleaning said rotten banana out of the diaper bag or dominating your next project at work).
If you are already riding the Agony Train and finding it hard to hop off, I have a fail safe option for you. Gratitude. "Now wait...this sounds like you're about to say I should suck it up and soak it all in again, just like everyone else. You tricked me!" Don't worry, that's not what I'm saying. I've got your back.
Gratitude doesn't mean I am savoring my life all of the time. However, when I find myself off balance, dipping so far into anguish that I'm having trouble pulling out of my anxious tailspin, it's time to re-calibrate my perspective on my privilege.
Anytime I get too melancholy about life changing or time moving forward, I remind myself how lucky I am to have these beautiful children. How fortunate I am that they are healthy enough to have time move forward. That my children are as safe as I can make them, with reasonable access to education, healthcare, and a future. There are centuries and centuries of humans who have raised families without those luxuries. I am so unbelievably fortunate to live now, to have a family at all, and to raise them the way that I want to raise them. Whether I'm doing it exactly right or remembering to treasure enough of it is a luxury. I know quite a few parents who have children facing serious health problems, or have lost children, who would give anything only to worry about the passage of time. So before I castigate myself too harshly for not doing "my job" well enough, I have to remember that some of what I worry about is my luxury, not my job. Make sense?
This does not mean you have to always feel grateful. Remember, I think it's incredibly important to find balance between feelings of overwhelm and feelings of contentment. But gratitude has a place in our lives to shake off unhealthy associations between agony and everyday life and to healthfully remind us that we almost always have something to be thankful for.
How Can We Be Better
The next time your friend posts about a crummy day with kids, here are some ideas that you can say or do:
-Comment that parenting is the hardest job and they are so tough for hanging in there
-If you have ever admired something about their parenting, tell them about it!
-Are your kids driving you bonkers, too? Commiserate with them.
-Tell them they are doing a good job
-Ask if they want to hang out or schedule a play date
-Send an encouraging quote about being strong or taking care of yourself
If the post seems more serious than funny, or they are posting about being overwhelmed quite frequently, it's important to keep in mind that a friend could be going through serious postpartum issues like depression or anxiety, or just struggling majorly with balancing everything. It takes a community to raise kids and when support isn't there, the primary caregiver can suffer greatly. Make sure to connect with them so you can get your finger on the pulse of the situation and figure out how to best support them. I'd like to include a link to postpartum help should anyone need it, or you can contact your doctor to speak openly and honestly about how you are feeling. I've done it!
-Comment that parenting is the hardest job and they are so tough for hanging in there
-If you have ever admired something about their parenting, tell them about it!
-Are your kids driving you bonkers, too? Commiserate with them.
-Tell them they are doing a good job
-Ask if they want to hang out or schedule a play date
-Send an encouraging quote about being strong or taking care of yourself
If the post seems more serious than funny, or they are posting about being overwhelmed quite frequently, it's important to keep in mind that a friend could be going through serious postpartum issues like depression or anxiety, or just struggling majorly with balancing everything. It takes a community to raise kids and when support isn't there, the primary caregiver can suffer greatly. Make sure to connect with them so you can get your finger on the pulse of the situation and figure out how to best support them. I'd like to include a link to postpartum help should anyone need it, or you can contact your doctor to speak openly and honestly about how you are feeling. I've done it!
Postpartum Support International
http://www.postpartum.net/
That's it, end of the line, folks! Everyone off the "soak it Up" train...and go Live your life!
I'll just leave this gem right here for you all. I call it "Mom's in the Bathroom."
Follow me on Instagram at @ReverieHomeCollective for behind-the-scenes moments between blog posts!
If you liked this post, you may also like to read...
 |  |
RSS Feed